No, seriously. Still here. Still kicking
Winter is over & my sanity is somewhat returned. Next time I won’t be so lucky.
My mind has split into 2 spaces: One that is plotting, planning and trying 2 figure which ends to tie up and the other has just gone blank and into a nice frozen no feeling area.
I tell myself who needs a letter and what all I should say. I am trying to decide what possessions go to whom. And I’m trying 2 find a way 2 make what’s going 2 happen WAY less sad.
I’ve googled how to do it and already decided it won’t be in my boyfriends home because to do what I’m doing IN his house would, 2 me, be more of an insult.
Saturday night, I met CCB’s new girlfriend for a drink. She had approached me on Facebook and in a weird twist, kinda hit it off as possible friends. She even friend requested me and I accepted. Then, I had 2 read all her post about how happy they are, and all these things he says and does for her. When I left his work (after drinks) sat night I started 2 cry before I even made it to the car. Tonight I called her and told her I couldn’t be Facebook pals because it hurt too much 2 see everything and that’s true.
I’m not sure how much of what I’m feeling is about him/us/what we had/could’ve continued to have and how much is my whole fucked up family thing.
My mothers brother, who molested me and my cousin Michael, wrote a big ass bullshit letter and sent copies to a ton of people. I spoke with him by phone and made him so mad he hung up on me. I win mutherfucker.
Now. I’m just laced through out with all of these bad feelings and awful black thoughts that are near drowning me and the only way to make it stop is to die. Because then I won’t have 2 deal with this pain any longer. I might have another situation entirely to deal with, but it won’t be THIS life’s pain. I don’t have the guts anymore to take it and keep standing unscathed.
I have well thought out regrets already formed in my heart, and maybe I can come to terms with it before I pass and maybe I won’t. I only know 3 things:
1. I don’t want 2 fuck it up, I want it 2 be quick & painless.
2. Not here at home.
3. Not until I see my BF & not until my last stand-up this month
That’s all for now. Maybe I’ll get a miracle.
I’m ready. I’m going to put my affairs in order, write my see ya letters & call it a day. I’m tired of being me in this life. I’m ready.
The only reason why I don’t take my own life is because I am a coward. Because I’m afraid of what will happen after I die. Because I’m afraid I would fuck it up, or after I did it right, everything would be regrettable; as in not knowing the unknown.
I’m spiraling down deeper. Thicker. Enveloping my touch away from peace.
I can’t feel anything good. I’m so far removed from love & light. My mind is trying to murder me. Help. Someone. Please help me. I’m asking for help. I’m begging for help. I want off this ride of pain.
Today started normal, then I grew more and more irritated with everyone and everything until I was under the water of wanting to simply not exist.
I hate this feeling. I hate not wanting to be alive, what a horrible way to feel for anyone.
I’m still clutching at what I shouldn’t. I can’t seem to grow up I guess. I’m not sure if it’s ego or lust or plain dumbassian self inflicted distraction.
I don’t want to be alive right now thank u very much.
So. I started therapy. I dig her. We talked for 2 hours and I cried not 5 min into sitting there. I just could NOT stop my snot faucet. She was perfect in her every reaction. That connection was made so I’m glad for that. Now to find a way 2 pay $75 for a therapy session every other week. I talked about EVERYTHING that’s been going on with me the last year.
I was starting to feel better about CCB and not thinking/obsessing so much about him and us when last night he started a new words with friends game. I’m not sure what the point of that was. Although tit yeah I’m still stalking his Facebook page (daily), I’ve deleted his number from my phone so I won’t text. Smart!
So what is he doing? Sneaky Snake.
Oi. Xmas at the family’s tomorrow night. Enjoy. (sarcasm font).
I really like how when I told her about ‘All Balls’ she got on to me about NOT doing that. To relax and do what my body/mind wants me to do. I’ve been trying!
He moved in with her. I have his facebook password and believe u me I’ve been stalking it and looking at all his post:
"I love u, baby"
Just jackassery if u ask me…My perfectly working brain says,
"Uh, hey bitch, a. u gave him up and 2. if he’s ALREADY living with another girl and telling her he loves her after 2 months well then u must not have meant that much to him…"
It makes me feel sad, and tiny. Like a lost child…
I feel abandoned?
Therapy cannot start soon enough.
And now I want to delete what i’ve just wrote but i need 2 remember these things, these feelings, they tell me when it’s not safe if I LISTEN…
I feel like such a weak damaged woman. I feel like I have already given into something I don’t want. I’m forgetting how strong I really am, always have been…strong and brave…funny…loving…
I’m hitting these times where I am imobile to do anything other then FEEL that sadness. i think it’s how I felt all along as a kid but could never express because I HAD 2 be brave. I forget how I was threatened with death, violence and more to not tell. I kept a zipped lip, but my body was so sad and hurt. So used. My inside my head part was mishapen and slow. So sad.
Right now when my whole self starts to spin out from the inside I lose control over my thinking and reasoning abilities and I do something that is childish and gimme right now…and it’s wrong.
I need 2 not spin and lose control and change my safe dynamic. I feel like something inside me is trying to do everything wrong and dangerous 2 fuck up my safety…it’s trying 2 destroy me by my worst fear—-No home…
I am sorry I was not able to reply this morning.
I got your later e-mail but wanted to make sure you knew I read this. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now and could use some help sorting out the load to see what can be dropped. In that my specialties lie in the area of trauma and I tend to be a bit psychodynamic, I see the cleanup starting with the past. My guess is that the relationship issues will come into clearer focus as they have been a way to distract you from the real issues. Have you ever heard of or tried EMDR? It is a trauma process that also can help us connect with those stronger aspects of self. From what I read you have many strong aspects that have allowed you to survive and thrive.
Generally I charge $65 per session. Sessions run almost an hour. I understand the money crunch and we can work out an alternate week schedule. Initially we would be working on emotional regulation and grounding skills. Much of that can be done through workbook exercises. I want people to have a handle on knowing they can take charge of their emotions before touching trauma. You have a way of dealing with it now that is holding back the complete flood. Therapy can trigger many things. When you have emotional regulation skills you have a better ability to deal with those things that do get triggered. I hope that makes sense.
If you would like to schedule an initial session, I am free 4om this Wednesday or we could do something the following week- Let me know what your schedule permits.
I look forward to talking to you.
I looked on-line for a therapist because I moved 2 hours away from my hometown…and she wrote me, so I wrote her back…I just wrote and wrote…
So this is the 1st letter, keep in mind I was typing with tears and snot just flowing…I looked sexy…
I need help. I am cracking. every year around this time i just want to
die…it’s bad…the over-whelming URGE 2 just not be…without actually
doing anything dangerous.I’m not a threat to myself; but my thoughts are
fragile right now. Childhood sexual and cult ritual abuse history, 38 years
Thank you for contacting me. I am sorry you are in an anniversary cycle.
That can be very difficult. You mentioned you need help. Can you tell me
what you are looking for? Have you ever gotten therapy before? Was it
helpful? When you say your thoughts are fragile right now- what does that
I have an office in _______. I see clients weekly if needed Tues, Wed or
Thurs. I have to refer folks out to local psychiatrists as I do not
prescribe medication. I do accept many insurances except Medicaid. Right
now my evening appointments are booked, but I do have some day time slots
Please e-mail or call if you would like to set up an appointment. During
the first session we have the opportunity to see if there is a good
client-therapist fit. 70% of effective therapy is a result of a good
working connection between the client and the therapist.
So, I wrote her this gem:
I saw Coatcheck Boy and he has a new girlfriend, he’s pretty much living with her. I don’t know why it affected me this way but I’m so hurt! Isn’t that selfish? I can’t have both! I can’t be that much of a dick! I’m trying to remind myself all the good reasons why I should be glad he’s fully gone…the good reasons! I Love my BF! I truly do. I know he would be beyond hurt if he knew what I had been texting and saying to him…He would be devastated. So. I need to let it go.
I’m totally latching on and obsessing over this situation: making it more important then it really is just so I can try to avoid realizing this emotion that’s connected to this time of year. WHAT do I need 2 know? WHAT is so important to realize that it almost kills me (mentally/depression wise) every year this time…what is it about this time of year…
holidays…halloween, thanksgiving and christmas
scary, be thankful for family and more family and jesus…
So. hash it out, pull it thru…what is it…where is it, why is it important…
I never felt fully safe, I always waited at night to fall asleep because I wanted to be awake when they came. I didn’t want it to be like the 1st time when I woke up to it. I woke up and it was happening and i was so small and scared…beyond the fear of regular old sex abuse…I’d had that…this was an invasion of my little inner child growing discovering still growing in body and mind but no…we’re going to fuck with your spirituality a little bit and turn it into a life long obsession of am i good enough for something i don’t even know is real or good? A life of being scared of certain situations or circumstances which led to even more fucked up things happening…So again…what am i hiding from and yet trying to shove down my own throat?
All I know is I have to STOP the obsession with CCB. NOW!
PLEASE. STOP thinking of him…there is no good reason and u know it so knock it off.
Put that level of concentration on what i’ve been avoiding…some how…maybe I should lay off the weed for awhile too…I mean, the last couple of days I really have…I need 2 work out more…more rough? make sense? work out harder…yeah…