February 21, 2013

No, seriously. Still here. Still kicking

May 9, 2012

I’m fine.

March 13, 2012—-Still Here

Winter is over & my sanity is somewhat returned. Next time I won’t be so lucky.

February 14, 2012—-Happy Valentines Day

My mind has split into 2 spaces: One that is plotting, planning and trying 2 figure which ends to tie up and the other has just gone blank and into a nice frozen no feeling area.
I tell myself who needs a letter and what all I should say. I am trying to decide what possessions go to whom. And I’m trying 2 find a way 2 make what’s going 2 happen WAY less sad.
I’ve googled how to do it and already decided it won’t be in my boyfriends home because to do what I’m doing IN his house would, 2 me, be more of an insult.
Saturday night, I met CCB’s new girlfriend for a drink. She had approached me on Facebook and in a weird twist, kinda hit it off as possible friends. She even friend requested me and I accepted. Then, I had 2 read all her post about how happy they are, and all these things he says and does for her. When I left his work (after drinks) sat night I started 2 cry before I even made it to the car. Tonight I called her and told her I couldn’t be Facebook pals because it hurt too much 2 see everything and that’s true.
I’m not sure how much of what I’m feeling is about him/us/what we had/could’ve continued to have and how much is my whole fucked up family thing.
My mothers brother, who molested me and my cousin Michael, wrote a big ass bullshit letter and sent copies to a ton of people. I spoke with him by phone and made him so mad he hung up on me. I win mutherfucker.
Now. I’m just laced through out with all of these bad feelings and awful black thoughts that are near drowning me and the only way to make it stop is to die. Because then I won’t have 2 deal with this pain any longer. I might have another situation entirely to deal with, but it won’t be THIS life’s pain. I don’t have the guts anymore to take it and keep standing unscathed.
I have well thought out regrets already formed in my heart, and maybe I can come to terms with it before I pass and maybe I won’t. I only know 3 things:
1. I don’t want 2 fuck it up, I want it 2 be quick & painless.
2. Not here at home.
3. Not until I see my BF & not until my last stand-up this month
That’s all for now. Maybe I’ll get a miracle.

February 11, 2012—-It Won’t Stop Unless I Stop

I’m ready. I’m going to put my affairs in order, write my see ya letters & call it a day. I’m tired of being me in this life. I’m ready.

January 22, 2013

The only reason why I don’t take my own life is because I am a coward. Because I’m afraid of what will happen after I die. Because I’m afraid I would fuck it up, or after I did it right, everything would be regrettable; as in not knowing the unknown.

Jan 21, 2012

I’m spiraling down deeper. Thicker. Enveloping my touch away from peace.
I can’t feel anything good. I’m so far removed from love & light. My mind is trying to murder me. Help. Someone. Please help me. I’m asking for help. I’m begging for help. I want off this ride of pain.

January 20, 2012—-Dying On The Inside, But I’m Still Pretty

Today started normal, then I grew more and more irritated with everyone and everything until I was under the water of wanting to simply not exist.
I hate this feeling. I hate not wanting to be alive, what a horrible way to feel for anyone.
I’m still clutching at what I shouldn’t. I can’t seem to grow up I guess. I’m not sure if it’s ego or lust or plain dumbassian self inflicted distraction.
I don’t want to be alive right now thank u very much.

December 23, 2011—-I Give Zero Fucks

So. I started therapy. I dig her. We talked for 2 hours and I cried not 5 min into sitting there. I just could NOT stop my snot faucet. She was perfect in her every reaction. That connection was made so I’m glad for that. Now to find a way 2 pay $75 for a therapy session every other week. I talked about EVERYTHING that’s been going on with me the last year.
I was starting to feel better about CCB and not thinking/obsessing so much about him and us when last night he started a new words with friends game. I’m not sure what the point of that was. Although tit yeah I’m still stalking his Facebook page (daily), I’ve deleted his number from my phone so I won’t text. Smart!
So what is he doing? Sneaky Snake.
Oi. Xmas at the family’s tomorrow night. Enjoy. (sarcasm font).
I really like how when I told her about ‘All Balls’ she got on to me about NOT doing that. To relax and do what my body/mind wants me to do. I’ve been trying!

December 12, 2011—-Fuck You Mom & Dad

Every time I think of him, I make myself think about my family—-His moving on and ‘getting over me’ finding another girl to love SO damned quick,is what hurt and reminded me of hurting. I think he represents loss to me; loss of ‘love’, loss of want, so in my mind, I think it’s that distraction I asked for, in place of dealing with these feelings that I don’t let out…but they are KILLING me…and I didn’t care until just now. No one else lives my life and everything in it so why not deal with the stinky shit and try to be happy, no matter what. Yes, I love my mother but god damn she pisses me off and my anger issues from growing-up are NOT going to be pretty…I can’t stand in my own way anymore even if it means my current relationships/family will change, and maybe not for the good…but it has to be good for ME, my life….no one else’s…So do I want to try to be happy and enjoy it or???
Mom,
It’s been18 days since I e-mailed your letter and 18 days have went by and u have yet to acknowledge it, or my feelings. U get upset about how our family gets along but u don’t want to hear about WHATS wrong with it. U want to take an ambien at 1 in the afternoon and watch your life float by. I don’t know whats wrong with u but I’m really sad that we are at this spot…And about the paper I ‘lied’ about…what a fucking laugh…THIS is what u chose to get upset about? I don’t know whats so god awful important to u that u risk relationships with other family members because u don’t want to piss her off. I’m your daughter too, and I’m so sorry I can’t give u grandchildren. maybe if I COULD have kids things would be different and u wouldn’t be walking on those fucking precious egg shells…
I’m reminded of a line I heard in the movie “The Help” when the black maid ask’s the mean girl, “Aren’t you tired?” 
And then to tell me it’s none of my business about whether my sister is in therapy or not? I wanted to call u _____, (my current step-mother’s name who is a cunt) what a hateful bitchy thing to say.
I don’t know what else to say. I’m just so disappointed in u, you’re my mom, not my dad…quit fucking acting like an emotional retard.
Now here’s where u respond by telling me all the horrible things that make me, me…which I’m MORE then already aware of…

"Just Breathe" December 5, 2011

He moved in with her. I have his facebook password and believe u me I’ve been stalking it and looking at all his post:

"I love u, baby"

Just jackassery if u ask me…My perfectly working brain says, 

"Uh, hey bitch, a. u gave him up and 2. if he’s ALREADY living with another girl and telling her he loves her after 2 months well then u must not have meant that much to him…"

It makes me feel sad, and tiny. Like a lost child…

I feel abandoned?

Therapy cannot start soon enough.

And now I want to delete what i’ve just wrote but i need 2 remember these things, these feelings, they tell me when it’s not safe if I LISTEN…

Thursday, ‎December ‎01, ‎2011 Fuck. Just fuck.

‎I feel like such a weak damaged woman. I feel like I have already given into something I don’t want. I’m forgetting how strong I really am, always have been…strong and brave…funny…loving…

I’m hitting these times where I am imobile to do anything other then FEEL that sadness. i think it’s how I felt all along as a kid but could never express because I HAD 2 be brave. I forget how I was threatened with death, violence and more to not tell. I kept a zipped lip, but my body was so sad and hurt. So used. My inside my head part was mishapen and slow. So sad.

Right now when my whole self starts to spin out from the inside I lose control over my thinking and reasoning abilities and I do something that is childish and gimme right now…and it’s wrong.

I need 2 not spin and lose control and change my safe dynamic. I feel like something inside me is trying to do everything wrong and dangerous 2 fuck up my safety…it’s trying 2 destroy me by my worst fear—-No home…

December 1, 2011 2:56AM—-Fuck My Asshole Gently With A Razor…

Hi _____,

 

I am sorry I was not able to reply this morning.

 

I got your later e-mail but wanted to make sure you knew I read this.  It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now and could use some help sorting out the load  to see what can be dropped.  In that my specialties lie in the area of trauma and I tend to be a bit psychodynamic, I see the cleanup starting with the past.  My guess is that the relationship issues will come into  clearer focus as they have been a way to  distract you from the real issues.  Have you ever heard of or tried EMDR?  It is a trauma process that also can help us connect with those stronger aspects of self.  From what I read you have many strong aspects that have allowed you to survive and thrive.

 

Generally I charge $65 per session.  Sessions run almost an hour.  I understand the money crunch and we can work out an alternate week schedule.  Initially we would be working on emotional regulation and grounding skills.  Much of that can be done through workbook exercises.  I want people to have a handle on knowing they can take charge of their emotions before touching trauma.  You have a way of dealing with it now that is holding back the complete flood.  Therapy can trigger many things.  When you have emotional regulation skills you have a better ability to deal with those things that do get triggered.  I hope that makes sense.

 

If you would like to schedule an initial session, I am free 4om this Wednesday or we could do something the following week- Let me know what your schedule permits.

 

I look forward to talking to you.

 

Donna

 

No problem, I’m a bit over due with my response as well…It’s been an ok last 2 days somewhat…I watched some movies that i knew would make me cry and I felt like my body needed that…It’s funny you mentioned the emdr as after I saw it on your website I youtubed it. I liked what I read about it and the videos that I watched I am receptive to. I’ve been trying to listen/watch more videos to keep my mood stable. As of this very late wednesday night, I am not in the throes of an uncontrollable emotional/mental breakdown. That’s always nice to avoid if possible. 
Earlier today i tried to think, tried to remember where i went when the abuse happened. I can tell you with certainty that I had many abusers on my mother’s side of the family. her parents had 16 children, all single births, and all, pretty much, were subjected to sexual abuse but were seen as a loving family in the small town they eventually settled in. My mom met my dad in high-school. She cheered for his school’s rival. he was a jock. The night they conceived my sister was in a barn of sorts, mom said when he excused himself from the car (to relieve himself) she thought he was putting on a condom…so she says anyway…no matter because 22 months after my sister was born and they had been married before she popped out i came after. I’m not sure exactly how old I was when she left but she did after physical/emotional abuse. We moved to southern california around the time that i was 3. My mother remarried and my sister and I were flower girls. I was 4 and i still have the dress. When I was in the 1st grade they got a divorce. We then moved a lot, changed schools plenty. Didn’t have a lot to eat if at all, but we had fun. She was barely in her 20’s in southern california waiting tables, then cocktail waitress, then bartender. Every year my sister and I went back to Mo for summer break, and a christmas or 2 was spent there as well. Mom had a few boyfriends here and there, mostly we girls hated. Then she met and started dating Bob when i was in the 2-3rd grade…that lasted until i was an 8th grader. I consider him to be the man who was my ‘father’ as far as trying to teach me useful things such as responsibility and not lying…values I guess. I liked that he liked me, took time to teach me things, took me hiking and never touched me wrong. My sister hated him and that didn’t help the relationship. I haven’t seen him since then, but have spoken on the phone once just this year a few months ago…that was weird…In the 5th grade I had a lot of behaviors that led to my moving to my dads…hated it…5th grade sticks in my mind like a weird sorrow/anger…Might I stress…we moved…a lot…I had trouble making friends. I was weird…but I liked myself…I couldn’t figure out why the kids all hated my guts and made fun of me….bullied me. i read about gay kids being bullied, and other different types of kids and i see myself there again…being shoved by many hands, threatened, verbally assaulted nearly everyday. I remember one morning at a very young age walking to school and having a group of kids behind me, my older sister included, throwing rocks at me…what little assholes, and ow…that hurts my heart thinking about that now…makes me sad for the kid i was…I was pretty incredible and awesome…now I feel like I let that kid down left and right. any progress I make on my own is quickly dismissed by her as nothing much…I gather she is pissed, but wtf am i supposed to do??? 9th grade I was hospitalized for the 1st time…for 2 weeks because that’s all my dads insurance company would pay for. No matter, the dr said i was doing it for attention…really einstien? that your own theory? my sister continued to mentally/emotionally/physically abuse me…then in the 11th grade i am in the same hospital again…I remember the night leading to it. I was crying, and somehow we wound up at her friend beth’s house because Mom didn’t know what to do. I just cried and couldn’t articulate my feelings…this time my dad flew out and for the 1st time in my life that I could remember my parents were in the same room at the same time…I truly felt like i was on drugs. It was decided that I would move to Mo again with my dad. During the summer between 11 and 12 grade I read a book, When Rabbit Howls, and something resonated with me deep inside to a place that filled my body with poison, and I had my 1st memories of being molested…I told my uncle, who told my mom, and i went back to Mo for my last year of high-school. Seniors rule! Talk about a mess. All of my dads family looked at me like i had 2 heads and treated me like a retard. It was rad. (hmm…I’m filling my sentences with light jabs…what defense is this? is this one reason why I do stand-up?)…I had my 1st real, real boyfriend and by that I mean we said I love u and had sex, I’m lucky, he was very kind to me, even after breaking up with me…bygones…I barely finished senior year, but after senior prom one night I got into a shouting match with my step-mother (a 1st, I had NEVER even talked back before!) and she blurted out some crap about why we had to take care of me when we don’t even know if I’m his biological kid! (there is no way I’m not, feature wise relatives have referred to me as ‘little leroy’ thanks assholes)…I graduated high-school and took the 1st bus back to southern California to live with my mom. Which was ok until i had sex with a kid who was 16, I was 2 weeks away from turning 18, and when he dumped me i told him I was pregnant, he told his dad who called my mom who right after getting off the phone kicked my ass straight on out of her house. I moved into my bff’s closet hiding from her parents until they discovered me crouched there one day. They helped me with a job interview and moving to a renovated home where I lived in the garage on a cot and took care of 6-8 elderly people…meals, showers, laundry, everything…Then I got a job as a nanny and that was so fun…but I got fired because I had their car and went out every night like a teenager instead of working…my bad…I shared being homeless with my bff until my moms best girlfriends found out I was and they called my dad and put me on a bus shortly there after back to Mo. It’s been living as best as I know how ever since…Wow…this was a nice verbal barrage.  
I obviously missed a Wednesday appointment. Next tuesday, and friday Dec 9 I will be out of town doing stand-up in ______ but I would like to set up a meeting to see if things click. 
Thanks,
_____


November 28, 2011—-Back-Slidding

I looked on-line for a therapist because I moved 2 hours away from my hometown…and she wrote me, so I wrote her back…I just wrote and wrote…

So this is the 1st letter, keep in mind I was typing with tears and snot just flowing…I looked sexy…

I need help. I am cracking. every year around this time i just want to
die…it’s bad…the over-whelming URGE 2 just not be…without actually
doing anything dangerous.I’m not a threat to myself; but my thoughts are
fragile right now. Childhood sexual and cult ritual abuse history, 38 years
old

Hi _____,
Thank you for contacting me.  I am sorry you are in an anniversary cycle.
That can be very difficult.  You mentioned you need help.  Can you tell me
what you are looking for?  Have you ever gotten therapy before?  Was it
helpful?  When you say your thoughts are fragile right now- what does that
mean?

I have an office in _______.  I see clients weekly if needed Tues, Wed or
Thurs.  I have to refer folks out to local psychiatrists as I do not
prescribe medication.  I do accept many insurances except Medicaid.  Right
now my evening appointments are booked, but I do have some day time slots
open.

Please e-mail or call if you would like to set up an appointment.  During
the first session we have the opportunity to see if there is a good
client-therapist fit.  70% of effective therapy is a result of a good
working connection between the client and the therapist. 

So, I wrote her this gem:

I am looking for affordable therapy which I can use to make my life better. I want 2 deal with all my anger and sadness so it doesn’t throw me into this tailspin state that I get into every year this time. I need cognitive tools to re-learn areas of the mind that were damaged as a child. I need to talk about the things that happened. I need to work on issues I have with my mom because she knew her parents were molesters but let us go there anyway. I need someone professional who is not my friend who’s job it is to help put me back upright. I have been in therapy before but because of money, i could never stick with it. I don’t have any money. I hostess at a restaurant once a week and make 40 dollars cash, all other time is devoted to the care of my boyfriend of 6 years’s mother (she is 78). I don’t have any insurance. When I’ve made that connection with a therapist it HAS been helpful, I need help, but I’m broke.
Right now, mostly at night, all alone, I just get those overwhelming dark periods where I just want to die. I want to take pills or slit vein, eat a gun…I want to stop the pain and regret it later.That’s all I want to do…I cry, I well up with utter sadness and despair. I just want to die and not have 2 do this anymore…every year it gets harder and harder to make it. I’m afraid one time, I won’t be able to stop the darkness completely and I’ll give in and end it. It’s hard right now this very second to not run to the urge to end it.
 I’m in a 6-year relationship with a person who has been nothing but great to me and for me and yet, I’m obsessing over a dalliance I had earlier this year. Wanting to contact him, call him, txt him, because long story short: After I met him I thought I wanted out of my long term relationship. (My bf is an over-the-road trucker and is gone for weeks at a time) and be with him. He made me feel different, like magic. But my bf has done so much for me and my family and I DO love him, I’m just not sure If i’m still with the bf because I feel some sort of obligation on top of loving him…and I’m losing a chance with what felt like real love with the dalliance? But…I’m obsessing over the dalliance who claims to still love and need and want me and I’m torn….but am I just obsessing over it so i don’t have to realize and face my child problems? I’m confused, side-tracked and not growing up right…thank god I don’t have children to pass my crazy onto…
I want to stop making bad decisions, and take responsibility for MY actions. I want to be happy; whatever that means, and i want to not think about dying as the only solution in my life…
Here’s an ironic part…I’ve performed stand-up comedy since 2003 off and on, on the amateur level, I have great potential to really be known and use the words i say to change lives for the positive…growing up, my mother didn’t know how to parent me and as a result i haven’t done a good job with the clean-up…I don’t know the rules and tricks but I can learn…I need someone to help me, to help me find my life and value it…
Also, I’ve taken various serotonin anti-deppresants and I’m not exactly too keen on using medicine that can alter my brain chemicals, even if it means I’d not be so sad…I feel my problems with depression are only to be fixed with therapy…because my depression is me needing to say something, to work out the blank spots in my memory and do whatever ‘it’ is that flicks the switch somewhere in me that says: Ok! I get it, that makes sense! And I’ll get that through talking…
And by fragile, I mean i know i was told a lot of bad things, regarding telling, and satan and scary things to a kid that makes them clam up for fear of death. I think my being fragile is my child afraid to death to talk about it because as soon as I do I am that kid and i will be killed and everyone i love will be slaughtered…BUT! I know this not to be true, it couldn’t ever happen in a million years, but u tell that to a scared ass 5 year old naked being fucked and tortured kid by people who ‘love her’ (my maternal grandparents) and see how well she’ll believes u. I’m afraid if I don’t talk I will die (spiritually, mentally, physically eventually) and deep down inside I’m afraid If I do I everything bad I was ever told will happen will…even though, again…realistically speaking, would NEVER happen…
As I have grown older, I realize several things…some I am slow to take to. the lessons slower to sink in…but i know, I am well aware of everything I have to do to make my life run like a dream. If I eat right and work out, I write, I do stand-up, I take care of those I love, and i talk to someone about my shit…I call it ‘all balls in the air’ and as soon as i drop just ONE ball, everything else goes down with it…takes forever to even start WANTING to THINK about trying to fix it upright again…
and now I’m rambling…SO…it’s almost 1am, I’ll probably fiddle faddle on-line, obsess over dalliance (which, I STILL have great feelings of love and warmth and caring feelings for—-makes me wonder again—-if he is real love, am I missing it because I’m secure? do I really love my bf? or again…are these just obsessive thoughts to keep my mind off of healing proper…you’re the professional…I’ll let u decide…haha
thanks for listening, and thanks for getting back to me so promptly…
=================================================
Jesus….


November 25, 2011 12:24 am—-12:32

I saw Coatcheck Boy and he has a new girlfriend, he’s pretty much living with her. I don’t know why it affected me this way but I’m so hurt! Isn’t that selfish? I can’t have both! I can’t be that much of a dick! I’m trying to remind myself all the good reasons why I should be glad he’s fully gone…the good reasons! I Love my BF! I truly do. I know he would be beyond hurt if he knew what I had been texting and saying to him…He would be devastated. So. I need to let it go. 

I’m totally latching on and obsessing over this situation: making it more important then it really is just so I can try to avoid realizing this emotion that’s connected to this time of year. WHAT do I need 2 know? WHAT is so important to realize that it almost kills me (mentally/depression wise) every year this time…what is it about this time of year…

holidays…halloween, thanksgiving and christmas

scary, be thankful for family and more family and jesus…

So. hash it out, pull it thru…what is it…where is it, why is it important…

I never felt fully safe, I always waited at night to fall asleep because I wanted to be awake when they came. I didn’t want it to be like the 1st time when I woke up to it. I woke up and it was happening and i was so small and scared…beyond the fear of regular old sex abuse…I’d had that…this was an invasion of my little inner child growing discovering still growing in body and mind but no…we’re going to fuck with your spirituality a little bit and turn it into a life long obsession of am i good enough for something i don’t even know is real or good? A life of being scared of certain situations or circumstances which led to even more fucked up things happening…So again…what am i hiding from and yet trying to shove down my own throat? 

All I know is I have to STOP the obsession with CCB. NOW!

PLEASE. STOP thinking of him…there is no good reason and u know it so knock it off.

Put that level of concentration on what i’ve been avoiding…some how…maybe I should lay off the weed for awhile too…I mean, the last couple of days I really have…I need 2 work out more…more rough? make sense? work out harder…yeah…